I CONNECT WITH MY BASIC SISTER

8:14AM

these are listening words
i am hanging out and lighting
all my listening words

3:22AM - penance is difference.

fear & trembling is the agony of a vision unclouded by grievances.

3:04AM - move over humpty dumpty

2010 is going to jitter bad brains to bits, it's been seven years now
and i'm finally letting go, living with or without it all
what's it all
living with or without
it
all
it all
at all

2:48AM - for bullshit.

uh-huh.

2:36AM - on demoralization.

"everything is what it's not, and life is quick and sad."
    --disquiet.


choice is everything even when everything is worthless.

9:31AM - (love is forever sometimes) / sometimes (love is forever).

things are possible, just happens, some-times
at other times there are no times
the ground is very dirty, angry and wet
this is the case this time
sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday
and every time you experienced that existed
except for the time things were sunny & white
a torrid tryst in a season out of reason
but (maybe) estrus burned the candle
of toronto to its wick, the utopian afternoons went pale;
time vaguely cleared the table

we both stood up forever with nothing to add plus tip.


closing-time now there is no terrain
now there is no outside.

8:44AM - severity at 8:44 in the morning.

i've never been this crazy about a girl before
this is a different kind of love, one i'd imagined
and heard described but never really lived until now.

it's worth something. heaviness without gravitas.

2:38PM

these are always the last seconds of your life

2:36PM

to the deadness, nothing is ever alive outside it

10:38AM

i'm tired of having to scare myself awake. is there no other way? i just don't react until right before i roll under the wheel sometimes.

3:04PM

"you don't know who you're fucking with, i'm crazy bitch! and i lost my astrology manual, so watch-out, i'm acting out beyond the star charts!"

1:33PM

they say there's no harm in coming up empty.

12:33PM - youlessly

at night i dream of you
    without remembering
i wake up wondering where i am

2:55PM - how little i know my country!

"Fruit machine" is a jocular term for a device developed in Canada that was supposed to be able to identify homosexual people, or "fruits". The subjects were made to view pornography, and the device measured the diameter of the pupils of the eyes (pupillary response test), perspiration, and pulse for a supposed erotic response. [!!!!!!!]

The fruit machine was employed in Canada in the 1950s and 1960s during a campaign to eliminate all homosexuals from the civil service, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP), and the military. A substantial number of workers did lose their jobs. Although funding for the "fruit machine" project was cut off in the late 1960s, the investigations continued, and the RCMP collected files on over 9,000 suspected homosexuals.[1]

The chair was like one from a dentist's office. It had a pulley with a camera going towards the pupils. There was a black box in front of it that showed pictures. The pictures ranged from the mundane to sexually explicit photos of men and women. It had previously been determined that the pupils would dilate in relation to the amount of interest in the picture. This was called the pupillary response test.[2]

People were told the machine was to rate stress. After knowledge of its real purpose became widespread, few people volunteered for it.

"[I]n the late fifties and early sixties our very own Mounties, ever conscious of security threats, had commissioned research into a mechanical devices for detecting homosexuality, inspired by similar research in the (United) States where McCarthyism and the sex panics had created a market for such lunatic pseudoscience. The idea was to unmask perverts by measuring involuntary pupillary dilations and other physiological reactions to pictures and words. Dubbed the fruit machine by terrified straight Mounties who didn't want to be the guinea pigs and whose security was already threatened, the technology came in several proposed models. One involved perspiratory responses to vocabulary with homosexual meanings like queen, circus, gay, bagpipe, bell, whole, blind, mother, punk, queer, rim, sew, swing, trade, velvet, wolf, blackmail, prowl, bar, house, club, restaurant, tea room, and top men."

2:50AM

i can breathe again.

6:17PM - today

( all i could eat was almond butter off an eggbeater )

11:41PM

multiple reality in the doublethink sense is organically difficult for me to cope with. ugh.

12:56AM - it don't haunt me anymore

the thing i like most about being grown up is that i get on better with the ghost of a chance i'm not given.

12:38PM

maybe i just want to leave things a little fucked-up before i go

12:22PM

matter is made up of laughter.