6:29PM - until further notice.

in the throes of liberating myself from the xanthic stink otherwise known as nicotine

6:20PM

predominant mood: i wish i knew someone who knew me

6:04PM - days are insane and sleepless, nights, nightmares

anyone who endeavors to understand my state of mind these days must immerse themselves in this record
http://www.invisible-movement.net/download/audio/internet-album

if you listen over and over and over: you'll understand. the answer -- my message -- is in there, if you can crack the code. fatuous it is not. (the opening track so would have i, admittedly, is a bit of a climate changer, an acquired taste. it repelled me at first blush but now i understand.) your lucky numbers are: 2, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 19, 21, though the album is palpably meant to experienced as a serial of linear progression, so i don't want to prejudice tracks.

but hey it is almost a poem:

three thoughts;    (2)
the battle of time i will always    ((8)
be beat down, penetrate time    ((10, 12)
nature falls    (14)
cut myself out    ((16)
leaving you    ((19)
a place to drive    (21)

5:20PM - bhopal.

there are some things so troubling you can't be troubled to trouble them any more.

5:13PM

i am out of harmony, i am out of key, i am out of place, i am out of context, i am out of mirrors, shattered gone from minds.

3:59AM - it's fucking november.

the most persistently and excruciatingly elusive quality about Weltschmerz is its very lack of definite content. without presentiment, one can become totally preoccupied by an intuition virtually identical to grief; equivalent disabling effects, but no discernible object relation to puzzle over. that's why the chronic grief of depression is both absurd and demoralizing; absurd because life-dissatisfaction is intellectually gratuitous, and demoralizing because without a socially acceptable 'out' it is impossible to disguise your feelings. it is a plight without dignity.

grief is also the price of looking into one's own heart

3:27AM - when you only live once, wasted time is a sacred violation or there is no wasted time.

spending time with people & things you care nothing for is a molestation of your mortality.

3:26AM

a way of saying nothing, with my everything, with one unmistakable convulsive ache of my loaded symbolic being

3:22AM - pessoa, 35 sonnets

XVIII

Indefinite space, which, by co-substance night,
In one black mystery two void mysteries blends;
The stray stars, whose innumerable light
Repeats one mystery till conjecture ends;
The stream of time, known by birth-bursting bubbles;
The gulf of silence, empty even of nought;
Thought's high-walled maze, which the outed owner troubles
Because the string's lost and the plan forgot:
When I think on this and that here I stand,
The thinker of these thoughts, emptily wise,
Holding up to my thinking my thing-hand
And looking at it with thought-alien eyes,
        The prayer of my wonder looketh past
        The universal darkness lone and vast.

5:56PM - i made a partial transcript of what john frusciante reads in STUFF.

shatter who you one way and head; to sally through their fake little back-black cloth, it's a-it's a passageway to drive, walk or run through, or the wind and water could carry you. i expect what didn't happen just now to have just happened (that lifted you up, part of the coin-sky's wine) embody the trail that's designed by the shadow never. forward or up or down, the climb: the top is the bottom -- so there's no rush, and you don't get tired. [unintelligible under guitar] you move like you do cause you do it for them; i've been followed around so long. mistakenly killed for being so thin. i get flipped inside-out. the song of Trash that could rise into fresh... new... food, is clothing, love, so it grew, i assume that whenever slides and roams around spending life; so you flip each day to the night, that holds yourself in condition./// folding pain tightly so it knows what it means: for its silent vows to be all that bleeds; like me it knows--the sides, or what it needs to keep trying... and it didn't mean to be 'n-i-a-p'. my body's light 'cause the weight of whatever's carrying me through the weak traps around the free... i've stepped anyway not falling like being on my way to be (sniffle), i'll never go empty, but thanks ... to 'f-e'. sitting around feels like running in clouds; dangle me (audibly turns page) from their thighs widening across where life is here; because my love is crying. i'll share the Where i've lost because i'm a pretend me, and i'm real because i can hit me softly, and bleed... blood... i can hear 'cause i'm near now and it's far from fallback into the ground: flip-dive through its holes. and through the whole thing landing is unimportant, so long as i'm giving the thing that swirls like selling dreams to cannabis, telling two to jump three.

1:29PM

"I do not know of any military that is more moral, fair and sensitive to civilians' lives, than the IDF."

--Defense Minister Ehud Barak

Palestinian mothers in labor and/or their newborn babies, who died at Israeli checkpoints while denied passage to Palestinian hospitals:

8 Sept 2001 – The baby of Amneh Abdel-Karim Safadi (aged 19), who died when the mother was stopped for five hours at the Huwwara checkpoint, en route to Alitihad hospital in Nablus.

24 Sept 2001 - Omaya Hmad allahOmrran (25) suffered a hemorrhage and died on the way to hospital in Nablus. Her journey of 20km took five hours because of delays at Israeli checkpoints.

19 Oct 2001 - Rihab Noufal (30) was refused permission to pass through Al-Khader checkpoint to reach hospital in Bethlehem, even though she was in labor. Mother and baby died at checkpoint.

22 Oct 2001 - Rawida Naji El-Rashid and her husband, Nasser, had been trying to conceive for five and a half years, when Rawida became pregnant following a course of fertility treatment. In her seventh month of pregnancy, she went into labor, after which she and Nasser tried to reach the hospital. At first they tried to drive via the Wallajeh army checkpoint, at 9:30 am in a private car. For 10 minutes her husband, Nasser, tried to convince the soldiers to his wife was in labor. They laughed at him and forbade him passage. The couple returned home and changed the car and again 20 minutes of argument were to no avail. They decided to bypass the checkpoint through dirt tracks. The journey took an hour and a half: on the way Rawida gave birth to a premature baby, who weighed 1416 grams - a weight which has good chances for survival, given good care. But the baby arrived at the hospital too late, in severe condition, with low body temperature. The doctor’s attempts to save it were futile, and it died an hour after admission.

9 Dec 2001 - The baby of Ne'meh Yousef Saleh. Ne’meh was pregnant with twins, but suffered a hemorrhage and needed to be transferred to hospital in Nablus. The ambulance dispatched for her from Nablus Hospital was held at an IDF checkpoint for more than three hours, resulting in the death of one of the twins.

25 Dec 2001 – The baby of Kheyreia Ibrahem. The mother was in labor but she was prevented from crossing the checkpoints to reach hospital. The baby died after being delivered instead at a local private clinic, which lacked facilities for premature care.

26 Feb 2002 – The baby of Samar Taufiq Hamdon (31) died when the mother was delayed at an IDF checkpoint while trying to reach hospital.

2 Mar 2002 - The baby of In'am Yousif Abdel Ghani Salah (26) died when the mother was delayed at an IDF checkpoint while trying to reach hospital.

9 Mar 2002 - Rana Adel Abdel Rahim Hamad (17) died when delayed at an IDF checkpoint while trying to reach hospital. Baby also died.

2 Apr 2002 – The baby of Halima Mohammed Hussien al-'Atrash (40) died when the mother was delayed at an IDF checkpoint while trying to reach hospital.

28 Apr 2002 – The baby of Wijdan Elias al-Qadi (37) died when the mother was delayed at an IDF checkpoint while trying to reach hospital.

25 May 2002 – The baby of Faida Najajrah died when the mother was delayed at an IDF checkpoint near al-Khader, while trying to reach hospital.

31 July 2002 – Lila Hussam Bihary (18) died in labor at Qalqilya checkpoint, after being refused permission to pass.

29 Aug 2002 – The baby of Itidal Yasser Abu Aram died when the mother was delayed at an IDF checkpoint.

25 May 2002 – Aadleh Abdeljabar Saify delivered her baby at a checkpoint in Nablus, because the soldiers manning the checkpoint refused to allow her ambulance to pass. Baby died.


"I said to the soldiers, `My wife is about to give birth. I'm waiting here for an ambulance that is supposed to come from Nablus. Let me through.' At first, they didn't answer. Then one soldier said: `Sit here on the ground, you and your wife.' We sat down next to the barbed wire fence, on the ground. There were seven or eight soldiers and two jeeps and they had food and tea or coffee. They stood and talked and they all ignored us, except for one soldier.

"Her contractions got stronger. I went and asked again. I told them that my wife had to give birth, that soon she would give birth at the checkpoint. The soldier said: `Sit quietly.' I showed him the baby bag. I held onto my wife, she leaned on me. I pleaded with him a number of times and asked [to be allowed to pass]. He told me: `Sit quietly. Stay here and don't move.' But the contractions got stronger and stronger."

Daoud uses the overflowing ashtray and the cups of tea on the table to help describe the scene at the checkpoint: Here is where the soldiers stood and here is where Rula was. Rula sits silently as Daoud tells the story, listening intently, her brow furrowed. Daoud continues: "Next to the barbed wire there was a rock that was 40 centimeters high [one of the concrete blocks]. My wife started to crawl toward the rock and she lay down on it. And I'm still talking with the soldiers. Only one of them paid any attention, the rest didn't even look. She tried to hide behind the rock. She didn't feel comfortable having them see her in her condition. She started to yell and yell. The soldiers said: `Pull her in our direction, don't let her get too far away.' And she was yelling more and more. It didn't move him. Suddenly, she shouted: `I gave birth, Daoud! I gave birth!' I started repeating what she said so the soldiers would hear. In Hebrew and Arabic. They heard."

About 15 meters separated the soldier from the woman, and Daoud was in the middle, between the two of them. "He had his weapon out, threatening me: `Bring her here.' And I'm trying to convince him that she is giving birth. She was afraid of the soldier with the rifle. `I gave birth, I gave birth,' she screamed. I said to her: `Now they'll shoot me.' She stopped screaming. She had already given birth, behind the rock. She was quiet for a few minutes and then she started to scream again: `The girl died, the girl died!'

7:02PM - does nobody nobody understand how offensively absurd zionism is?

http://www.fpif.org/fpiftxt/6549

i feel so outraged and helpless.

The resolution resolves that the report is "irredeemably biased" against Israel, an ironic charge given that Justice Goldstone, the report's principal author and defender, is Jewish, a longtime supporter of Israel, chair of Friends of Hebrew University, president emeritus of the World ORT Jewish school system, and the father of an Israeli citizen. [yeah, if it's 'irredeemably biased', it's bloody obvious where the bias should be.]

Goldstone was also a leading opponent of apartheid in his native South Africa and served as Nelson Mandela's first appointee to the country's post-apartheid Supreme Court. He was a principal prosecutor in the war crimes tribunals on Rwanda and the former Yugoslavia, took a leading role in investigations into corruption in the UN's "Oil for Food" program in Iraq, and was also part of investigations into Argentina's complicity in provided sanctuary for Nazi war criminals.

Having 80% of the U.S. House of Representatives go on record attacking the integrity of one of the world's most respected and principled defenders of human rights is indicative of just how far to the right the U.S. Congress has now become, even under Democratic leadership ['democratic leadership' -- now there's an oxymoron for you]. In doing so, Congress has served notice to the human rights community that they won't consider any human rights defenders credible if they dare raise questions about the conduct of a U.S. ally. This may actually be the underlying purpose of the resolution: to jettison any consideration of international humanitarian law from policy debates in Washington. The cost, however, will likely be to further isolate the United States from the rest of the world, just as Obama was beginning to rebuild the trust of other nations [so much for that Peace Prize huh? he promised israel would 'freeze settlements' in disputed territory -- and yet in ho-hum effrontery they go on building]

Indeed, the resolution calls on the Obama administration not only "to oppose unequivocally any endorsement" of the report [?!?!??!], but to even oppose unequivocally any "further consideration" of the report in international fora [F is for fascism boys & girls!]. Instead of debating its merits, therefore, Congress has decided to instead pre-judge its contents and disregard the actual evidence put forward. (It's doubtful that any of the supporters of the resolution even bothered actually reading the report.) The resolution even goes so far as to claim that Goldstone's report is part of an effort "to delegitimize the democratic State of Israel and deny it the right to defend its citizens and its existence can be used to delegitimize other democracies and deny them the same right." *  ENTERING MAJOR LEAGUE JAWDROPPING APOPLECTIC BULLSHIT TERRITORY  * This is demagoguery at its most extreme. In insisting that documenting a given country's war crimes [sidenote: wasn't a war] is tantamount to denying that country's right to exist and its right to self defense, the resolution is clearly aimed at silencing defenders of international humanitarian law. The fact that the majority of Democrats voted in favor of this resolution underscores that both parties now effectively embrace the neoconservative agenda to delegitimize any serious discussion of international humanitarian law, in relation to conduct by the United States and its allies.


[...]

---

IN OTHER WORDS:

Goldstone, who has had a longstanding reputation for fairness and objectivity and previously led the war crimes prosecutions for Yugoslavia and Rwanda, is a Zionist Jew and longtime supporter of Israel. Goldstone agreed to accept the appointment only if the commission's mandate were expanded to look at the actions of both sides of the conflict. The HRC agreed to these conditions and the investigation went forward looking into violations of international humanitarian law by both Israel and Hamas. The Goldstone Commission report cited in detail a whole series of violations of the laws of war by Hamas, including rocket attacks into civilian-populated areas of Israel, torture of Palestinian opponents, and continued holding of kidnapped Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit.

What has upset Obama administration officials and congressional Democrats, however, was that the report also concluded that Israel's military assault on Gaza was "a deliberately disproportionate attack designed to punish humiliate and terrorize a civilian population," citing Israel's deadly attacks against schools, mosques, private homes and businesses nowhere near legitimate military targets. These conclusions echo detailed empirical reports released in recent months by Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and the Israeli human rights group B'Tselem, among others.

10:03PM

undenied is all asks for

4:38AM

let the dead bury the dead, let the real look-after "reality"

4:37AM

part of remaining naked means not feeling the new

3:12AM - life subtracting death.

maybe it's as simple as saying
time is who you are with it

1:50AM - by whatever measure

none of my memories ever happened the way i remember it

12:25PM - any form of political awareness interferes.

i would say, freedom fighters believe you can crackdown on crackdowns
(i.e. nietzsche: "he who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a
monster." reductio ad absurdum makes me right, as our activities are
irrational through-and-through.)

6:31AM

9:39PM - the ickiest voicemail of my life

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg
all because i opened up to the wrong guy
at the bar, three weeks ago. he's still calling me,
he has a diehard crush on me.
i've never given him any hint i was interested,
i diplomatically told him off the first time he called.

i can't believe i'm the subject of this voicemail.

this will either make you laugh or make you puke, he's obviously in his late 40s. happy hallowe'en. rated 2 fort_kanji
in creepiness.


http://www.yousendit.com/download/Z01Qa3NWSWhYSHdLSkE9PQ
(listen at your own peril)